The good news is there are Biblical principles for dating. The bad news is if you have been in the world’s dating game these principles will seem unconventional, even unworkable, but I can assure you they work.
Let’s start by looking at the worlds system of dating. How do you think that system is working?
Approximately, 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. So, if we believe compatibility is the key to happy marriages, the world’s dating system, which is supposed to be the means for helping us discover compatibility, is clearly not working. I think it’s safe to assume any Christian dating construct should look very different from the world’s system.
I’m not a psychologist, marriage counselor, or therapist. I’m an attorney, and I’m not even a divorce attorney. I took seriously what God said about “What God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matthew 19:6; see also Genesis 2:24. Or to put it in terms of one of my favorite Coen Brothers‘ movies, Intolerable Cruelty, I’m not a member of “NOMAN” – the National Organization of Matrimonial Attorneys Nationwide (“let N.O.M.A.N. put asunder”). Nor am I fan of prenuptial agreements, even those like the Massey Prenup, that have never been “penetrated.“
However, I have been happily married for more than 35 years to the same woman, and I successfully avoided the heartbreak and disappointment of the world’s dating scene as a single man. By the grace of God, and some good Bible teaching, I stumbled into doing it the right way, which I share with you now.
So, with that, here are 7 Biblical principles for dating.
Date with a purpose
Before talking about dating, we should define it. Dating is “a stage of romantic relationships in which individuals engage in activity together, often with the intention of evaluating each other’s suitability as a partner in a future intimate relationship.” Wikipedia. As a Christian, one should not be seeking a partner in a future intimate relationship outside of marriage.
Nor should a Christian date casually. Dating casually only serves to mislead or defraud the other person, who may fall in love with you while you have no intention of returning those feelings. Bottom line: Christians should date with the purpose of finding a marriage partner. Dating without the purpose of seeking a marriage partner will ultimately end up hurting one or both parties to the relationship and often leads to violation of the fourth principle below.
Date only Christians
In light of principle #1, Christians should only date other Christians. The Bible says it like this: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” 2 Corinthians 6:14. The most intimate human yoke of all is the yoke of marriage. Jesus never said to never to quit a job or terminate a friendship. He did say divorce, except under the most narrow circumstances, is not an option for a Christian.
Also, you want to make sure you marry someone who loves Jesus more than they love you, and that is only going to happen if you marry a Christian. You want to marry someone who is subject to a higher power than their own emotions so that in those times when you are unlovable, there will be grace and forgiveness until you can get your act back together. Security in marriage doesn’t come from your spouse’s love for you but your spouse’s love for God.
Look for a best friend
When dating you should be looking for someone who can be your best friend for life. The world tells you to look for someone who is physically attractive, and that that is the key to long, happy marriage. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? If you live to even modest older age, you will no longer be the beautiful young person you were–if you ever were–remember, Seinfeld said only 4-6% of the population are attractive.
Guys, you are likely to get fat and lose your hair, and gals, unless you go the cosmetic route and risk looking like a transitioned Joker, you are going to lose your looks–and you are likely to be fat as well.
“Beauty beckons but being binds.”
Should you be physically attracted to your lifetime partner? Absolutely. That is often what initially draws us to someone. But outward physical beauty is fleeting. It is the beauty of one’s inner being that remains and enhances and supersedes outward appearance, even in old age. Beauty beckons but being binds.
Date in holiness
This one is not merely a matter of not sinning; it is highly practical. Once you are engaged in an in a sexual relationship with another person, it clouds your ability to determine whether that person is the one. It binds you on a spiritual level God intended only for marriage, and, especially for guys, it becomes very difficult to break off the relationship. In addition, it will undermine the sexual relationship with your future spouse. Avoid it at all costs.
Some practical advice on this one: if you want to avoid becoming engaged in a sexual relationship, only spend time alone with your dating partner in public places. The risk of being arrested for indecent exposure should be a sufficient deterrent to keep your relationship holy.
Start out in groups
Here’s one marital counselors hear all the time: “He was not like this when we were dating?” There is a reason. When you date one-on-one with someone, they know they are on stage, and so they put on their best performance. The best way to get to know who someone really is is to see how they relate to others. That is done best in a group setting.
Also, by going out in groups, you avoid creating expectations and questions like, “Will he call again?” You are not on a date; you are just going out with friends. If after a while–consider it a probationary period–you feel you know someone well enough and think they may be someone you would want to marry, then you would move to dating one-on-one. Although,
it is probably never a good idea to even spend most of your time alone, for all the same reasons, and for holiness’s sake.
Focus on becoming not finding
When I was single, I had a long list of what I wanted in a wife. It was as glorious list. As I began to pray over that list and think about this wonderful person I wanted the Lord to bring into my life, I felt the Lord say I needed to focus instead on becoming the person who would be worthy of the person I wanted to marry.
“Instead of focusing on finding the person you want to marry, focus on becoming the person worthy of the person you want to marry.”
From that point on, I began to pray the Lord would turn me into that person. It’s a good rule to live by if you are single and seeking a spouse. It’s also highly practical because as you get your game together, you will become more attractive to the right person, and it will be easier for the Lord to help them find you. In short, instead of focusing on finding the person you want to marry, focus on becoming the person worthy of the person you want to marry.
Pray and seek counsel
The Bible teaches that it should be God who puts people together in marriage. See Matthew 19:6 (“What God has joined together, let no man separate.”). Therefore, singles should always be praying through the process of dating, the purpose of which is to find a marital partner.
Lastly, listen to your friends, mentors, pastor, and parents, who are all usually better at evaluating your potential dating partner because 1) they know you; and 2) their views are less tainted by emotions, and 3) they are more likely to have seen your dating partner when that person was not trying to impress you.
So, there you have it – seven Biblical principles for dating. Are they foolproof? Probably not, but I know they form a better system than the world’s dating system, which has proven an abject failure. And I’m confident they will lessen the chances you end up retaining a member of NOMAN. GS
